For almost 3 years I have been going through the 7 stages of grief. Admitting that I let myself become the victim of an abusive & toxic relationship, coming to terms with the fact my ex-husband never truly loved me and jeopardized my sexual & emotional well-being, accepting the loss of my marriage, home, car, personal belongings, business and all sense of who I was…were just SOME of things I’ve had to overcome during that time.
So I guess that’s my question to you… Are you in a place where you have accepted what has happened to you in the past?
I ask that because during the last 3 years I found my goals impossible to reach when I was not in a place of peace. I was in and out of the emotions of hurt, anger, denial, and severe depression. It wouldn’t matter how much I wanted to achieve my life goals, the road block that was stopping me from moving forward was the grief of what had happened to me.
I’m thankfully in a place of peace now and I’m now finding that working towards my goals is almost natural again. I’m not fighting against what felt like the impossible anymore. But how did I get to where I am now?
Well after a whole year of suppressing my feelings and trying to fill my time with work and fitness in hopes it would magically eradicate the pain I was going through, I finally took it upon myself to take several months of blissful silence & stress free living. I took some solitude to just rest and give my mind, body and soul time to heal.
Unfortunately that meant taking some time away from family & friends. It’s natural for family & friends to worry and care, but more often than not it leads to an unhealthy pressure. I knew I was not happy but I didn’t need the reminder from my loved ones every day. I had to figure things out in my own time. I needed to just go through the motions and grieve without feeling guilty.
So that’s what I did…
I moved back to the USA in October (2015), not to escape my problems but to face them. I also greatly missed America having spent the best part of my twenties there – it has shaped so much of who I am! Being back in America brought me home to the bitter sweet reality of my problems. For the first 4 months I cried, and then I cried some more until I could not cry no more. The familiar American stores, smells, accents, cars, and holiday traditions reminded me of the life I had with my ex-husband but it allowed me to finally let go. I was never given the chance to find closure because the decision to leave America 2 years ago was made for me by my ex-husband when he put my health & safety at risk.
Now that i’ve been back in America for the last 7 months, I feel a genuine sense of happiness. I have two suitcases to my name, I live with the family I nanny for and I drive a ford transit van around town which isn’t even mine. Of course, I miss having my personal space. Being a live-in nanny feels like i’m 16 again, especially when I have to ask for permission to use their cars or when I’m called to dinner outside my bedroom door. But you know what, after having been where i’ve been, I couldn’t be more grateful. That transit van feels like a limo ride, and the roof over my head feels like a hotel compared to the house I shared with my ex-husband.
Yours in Health and Happiness, Coach Maria xoxox
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